She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
