Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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