I just saw a hot homeless man
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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