So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
