I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
wow bdsm is so cute
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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