Ambien. No doubt about it.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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