Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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