were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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