it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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