I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
