You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
