Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
