yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
