His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
