I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize