We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
