I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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