Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
