Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
