How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
