Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
