i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Randomize