wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
