please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
zippers are such a cool invention
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
