I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize