Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
