meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
