"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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