I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
