Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
