She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
