Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
