There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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