Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
