I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
