if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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