I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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