you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Sext me about skeletons
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
