We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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