i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize