We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
