she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize