we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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