That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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