I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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