when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
