My friends, they love my intelligence
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
