can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize