My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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