at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Houston, we have a blender
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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