Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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