Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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