dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
