me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
