so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
