cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
