Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
