i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize