I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
