Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
