she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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