You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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