All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
