The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
