just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
