I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
