if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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