I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
