haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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