I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
