Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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